Descent
by web of light
Summary: Tom is not himself but his problems go deeper than a simple mid-life crisis. Much Deeper. Added moments to Vis A Vis
The computer woke him up. The otherwise pleasant voice had been getting on his nerves so he changed the alarm to an instrumental version of an old rock and roll song. It didn't help.

The idea of going to the mess hall and seeing the same old crowd did not appeal to him. He ordered his breakfast via the replicator hoping that some alone time would help him focus. He barely started on his bacon and eggs when his combadge gave an alert.

"Good Morning Tom," B'Elanna said.

"Morning." He said. Her voice irritated him and he didn't know why.

"Just wanted to remind you that we are supposed to have dinner this evening at eighteen hundred hours. Please don't be late this time," she said. Now he knew why she was setting his teeth on edge. She used that same tone of voice with her subordinates.

"I'll be there."

"On time this time?" She asked. She didn't need to re-emphasize it. She was started to sound bossy.

"I will be there. On time."

"Good. See you then."

Why did her simple request make him want to jump out of his skin?

 _-Tom, get up._

 _-Dad…_

 _-It's Seven Hundred Hours. Breakfast in half an hour as always. You have that project to finish. I don't want to find you wasting your time again. Lunch is at noon. Remember we have that reception tonight. I want you on your best behavior. Tomorrow you are going with me to Federation Headquarters. There are some people there I want you to meet so if you had plans, change them._

 _-Plans? Who can make plans around here?_

 _-What was that?_

 _-Nothing,_

"Ah Mr. Paris. I am pleased with your progress on the Vulcan nervous system. Your marks were not quite as high as Kes's were of course but they were quite adequate. Next, we will move onto the Bolians," the Doctor said.

"Oh joy," Tom said. The Doctor did not notice the sarcasm.

"I am thinking of doing an in-depth study of their immune system. They can survive in conditions that would bring other humanoid species to their knees. I think I can replicate it."

"Replicate their immune system? Can you do that?

"I will try. Think of the possibilities! That will be next on your list of medical texts to study."

"More study?"

"Of course Mr. Paris. Medical education is a constantly evolving discipline. We have to keep up!"

An image of himself deactivating the Doctor and smashing his mobile emitter gave him a fleeting moment of pleasure.

 _-Tom Paris. Your transition to the Academy seems to have gone smoothly. Normally it takes a new Cadet several weeks to make the adjustments. The strict schedule and inflexible routines can take some getting used to._

 _-It's not so hard considering how I grew up. All my life I have been prepared to come here._

 _-That's an interesting choice of words. Normally a student tells me "I have been preparing myself to come here."_

 _-Nothing about me or my life has been normal._

 _-What do you mean by that?_

 _-Nothing._

"If the sensors are to be believed we should have smooth sailing ahead. Another quiet day in the Delta Quadrant," the Captain said. "Not even a stellar dust storm on the horizon."

"I'm not complaining," Chakotay said. "The Hirogen gave us enough excitement to last us for years. I'm ready for some peace and quiet."

"Set course for the Alpha Quadrant Tom, and try not to fall asleep up there," she ordered.

"Yes ma'am." Did anyone notice he responded with just a little less enthusiasm than usual? He didn't want the Hirogen back. He didn't enjoy seeing his friends in danger but maybe something deep inside him needed it. He was tempted to steer Voyager straight into a gravity well.

 _-You'll be sharing your quarters with Ensign Harvey. Your duty assignments for the week will be posted weekly and sent to your com channel. You will report to your duty assignments on time. You will be allowed two breaks apart from meal time. You will put in extra flight time as your Conn Officer sees fit and you will attend sessions on all updated technology as pertains to our mission. You will be expected to observe Starfleet Protocol at all times. You're not at home with mom and dad anymore. This isn't the Academy. This is your life now._

 _-This has always been my life._

 _-What was that Ensign?_

 _-Nothing sir._

The car was junked. He had designed it as a beater so he could restore it. He had done this once before back on earth or he had tried to until his dad found out about it. He opened the hood. What a beautiful mess.

Maybe if he could put this car back together it might help him put his brain back together. His mental processes were as twisted and broken as the insides of that engine. He had an idea that maybe some time alone in a safe place would help but in the back of his mind he knew no matter what he did it would eventually clamp down on him again. This unnamed 'thing' followed him wherever he went. Sometimes it wrapped himself around him like a knotted cord. There was no safe place.

 _-Tom, we have to be extra careful who we associate with. We can't draw attention to ourselves so there are certain people and places that are off limits._

 _-So Chakotay, are you going to be looking over my shoulder all the time, checking up on me?_

 _-What we are doing is dangerous. Life with the Maquis comes with its own set of rules._

 _-In a bizarre way this reminds me of …._

 _-Reminds you of what?_

 _-Nothing…._

His combadge chirped. Damn. Where was he supposed to be now? He didn't want to answer it. It was the Captain or the Doctor...or B'Elanna demanding that he be someplace else other than where he wanted to be.

The ship was too small. His space was too cramped. No matter where he turned there was someone wanting something from him, demanding something from him...always with the orders. He needed to get away but there was no escape.

 _-Don't even think about tampering with your ankle monitor. We will know and you will incur severe penalties. After breakfast, you will report to your work detail where you will remain until lunch and then you will be returned to the job. You will not socialize with other prisoners with the exception of meal time or if your work supervisor needs input during the course of an assignment. We will know where you are at all times and we will know if you commit any infractions. Lights out are at twenty-two hundred hours. Your life as you knew it is over. This is your life now._

 _-Why should my life now be any different?_

 _-What was that Number 2298?_

 _-Nothing._

The quiet wasn't helping. If anything it was making things worse. His combadge continued to beep. At first life in the Delta Quadrant was so new and exciting he didn't mind being back in the uniform because each day was an adventure. There was always an unusual challenge waiting in the next system but now all gone quiet. He honestly didn't want a life without B'Elanna...or Harry or the friends he had made here nor did he want to leave Voyager but something was wrong. Life reverting to a normal routine triggered something. He didn't want to hurt anyone but intense dissatisfaction had set in. Something was finally coming to a head. Odd bits and pieces of old memories were forcing themselves to the front of his mind demanding attention and he didn't want to think about them but like everyone else around him they would not be quiet. He wasn't the type to give into self-analysis. He didn't know what it was he needed but he knew that deep down something inside of him was starting to fall apart.

He thought they had made up properly but B'Elanna wasn't finished talking.

"And the reason you couldn't talk about this was because...?" she asked.

"Trying to figure it out made me feel...edgier, like something inside me was programmed to lash out. I didn't know what was happening to me but I knew I needed something and whatever it was, I wasn't getting it here. When Steth...or who I thought was Steth came along I was in desperate need of some kind of diversion," he replied. "So I took it."

"I suppose it was a natural repercussion," she said. "I'm not a counselor but it seems to me that after enduring a lifetime of control and restriction something would eventually have to give. It's probably been simmering in the back of your mind all this time. Up til our journey has been one adventure after another so you were distracted. Once things went quiet it started to boil over. It's no wonder you were ready to snap."

"It wasn't until I was out there trapped as someone else and so far away from Voyager that I realized what the problem was. I guess the whole 'you can't find yourself until you first lose yourself' thing is true."

"I'm surprised that you were able to hold it together for as long as you did." She settled back on the seat and stared out of the front windshield. "I'm sorry if I come across as bossy sometimes. When I'm on the job barking orders at everyone sometimes I forget ..."

"Don't worry about it. I was late," Tom said. He sat back against the seat himself.

"Yes, you were but I'll try to tone it down the next time I'm scolding you," she said still not looking at him. "It really is a nice car, Tom. I mean it."

"When I'm finished I'm going to create a program where we can take long drives. The Pacific Coast highway is beautiful. Runs right along the ocean. I think you'll like it. Then there's the Blue Ridge Parkway. Beautiful mountains as far as the eye can see." He was already traveling with her in his mind.

"I look forward to it...and you don't need to apologize if you need time alone. Just let me know if life is getting on your nerves and you feel like you have to do something crazy. I'll understand. I don't want you to have to go through something this drastic again the next time you feel a meltdown coming on."

"You mean that?"

"As long as it's not the Dancing Girls of Nanipia Prime."

They caught each other's eyes and laughed simultaneously. She didn't say anything but he knew what she wanted. She fully expected him to put his arms around her and pull her close. He had no problem following her unspoken orders.


End file.
